求主憐憫

工作量（今年還增加了一些，想知道可以問我）多得令我也真的覺得很大壓力，求主憐憫。

大部份工作、甚至與其他人的溝通，都需要對著一個小小的螢幕，呀，我的眼睛想休息啊。求主憐憫。

我擔心身體真的支撐不了，求主憐憫。

我怕辜負了大家的期望，求主憐憫。

我不想做一個工作機器，求主憐憫。

今年，我（只）想好好的讓我的同事和學生們認識上帝，也學習更加愛主、愛家人、愛他們、愛弟兄姐妹和愛自己，求主憐憫。

Lest I change

Although I'm currently suffering from low blood pressure and some anxiety not only about the start of school but also my current physical situation, my mental and spiritual health is actually in a rather positive state.

By having my brain and body functioning at something like 50% of my optimal capacity, I have finally found (God has finally found me) a way to literally and really slow down. To be frank, I have pretended to take rests earlier on in my life but they were just sleeps, naps, entertainment, or some other forms of relaxation, but not real rest. By slowing down involuntarily, I have become better. By being able to do only one thing at a time (or even less than that), I can focus on ONLY the most important things I have to do. By getting sick, I have learnt to treasure people and relationships more than before. By being weak, I can rely on God and other people to support me. God must have been thinking: this stubborn kid finally understands his limits and learns to be more humble (forgive me God if I'm not right or if I haven't learnt anything yet). 

I am sincerely hoping to feel better and get well, but come on, sickness and death are inevitable. Even if I recover this time, eventually there will be a time I won't. I can honestly tell you this isn't the first time I ask for healing and promising not to waste any more time. Nevertheless, if I do recover, I will try my best to glorify God (otherwise why should I become better? To glorify myself again?). If you ask me whether I want to become better but stick to my old ways or remain unhealthy but become a better man, my conscience would choose the latter but still my id would prefer the former, and I know I'm still a selfish lad inside. Sure enough I do want to become better both physically and spiritually altogether and I don't want to fake it, so I am writing it down here as a reminder for myself and for you all to witness. Above all, for my health and my pledge, please have mercy on me, O Lord. 

Lest I forget

星期六早上，忽然間右耳有點聲音似的，然後整個人天旋地轉，要倒下的樣子。耳水的不平衡是暈倒的前奏，感恩當時在家，便立刻扶著椅子躺到床上。原因不詳，可能是太疲勞（不過剛睡醒不久的）、或者不夠血糖（中午左右還未吃東西，不過才起來不久）、或者太用神（當時在用電腦）、又或者是有些隱疾。這些原因對我來說並不太重要，關鍵是為何天父讓這事發生。對此，我有三點的得著（不寫太多了，要休息）。

第一，暑假時間所剩無幾，人生的時間也本來剩下不多，我卻在虛耗青春。我曾經立志每日讀聖經、好好禱告、用天父所賜的人生好好服侍祂。但，我很清楚，我根本沒有把我的生命當作活祭天天獻上，反而只是在做自己喜歡的事，彷彿當天父不存在一樣。這件事情像之前不少次身體毛病一樣，提醒我不要繼續放縱。究竟我何時才能真正學懂呢？莫非要天父每次也這樣提醒我嗎？啊！！！醒啦！

第二，是要我多多休息。新學年將近，工作只會越來越多。剛過去的星期五我自持有點精神，一直工作到夜晚，也沒有好好休息，也做到有點迷失。天父提醒我要知道祂是神，有真正良好的工作節奏，不做榮耀自己的事，只做榮耀祂的事，那軛是容易的，擔子是輕省的！

第三，是讓我有經歷祂自己更多。因為這個狀況，我錯過了教會少年部的戶外活動，轉而參與教會的崇拜。崇拜以先，吃過早餐，感覺還是不太理想，所以在附近有冷氣的社區會堂待著，以免暈倒街頭。在那裡坐了片刻，竟碰上一位弟兄，難得地跟他談了一會，也因為他在鄰座看書而讓我安然小睡片刻，真是感恩。然後就是在崇拜中能放聲歌唱讚美，加上講道的經文和信息其實是對我的當頭棒喝，是來自路加福音17:11-19的記載：

耶穌往耶路撒冷去的時候，經過撒馬利亞和加利利交界的地方。他進入某個村莊，有十個痲瘋病人迎着他走過來。他們遠遠地站着，高聲喊叫說：「耶穌啊，老師啊，可憐我們吧！」耶穌看見，就對他們說：「到祭司那裏讓他們檢查吧。」他們去的時候，就潔淨了。  其中有一個看見自己好了，就回來，一路上大聲頌讚神。他俯伏在耶穌腳前感謝他。這人是個撒馬利亞人。耶穌說：「不是有十個人潔淨了嗎？那九個在哪裏呢？難道除了這個外族人，沒有一個回來歸榮耀給神嗎？」於是耶穌對他說：「起來，走吧，你的信心救了你。」

我知道耶穌其實多次讓我痊癒，無論是在肉體上或是心靈上，但我卻沒有回去感謝祂，而只顧到祭司處檢查（代表很想重新投入社區開展正常的生活）。每一次，我也是想繼續自己的生活，甚至繼續犯罪，忘記了我能夠得痊癒有精神有生命也全因為耶穌的醫治。就像傳道人所說，我要得醫治、得潔淨還是得救呢？我三樣也要，所以願我也回到耶穌那裡，把榮耀給神，然後再起來行走，因為當走的路甚遠（但願如此！）。

後記：如果要我早回天家，實在是讓我賺了。我只有一個遺憾，就是沒有好好地珍惜天父所給的一切來榮耀祂。我不敢誇甚麼，也不知道天父要如何用我。但若然天父願意，也叫我活著讚美祂！最後，用詩篇115的選段來互勉：

耶和華啊，榮耀不要歸與我們，
不要歸與我們，
要因你的慈愛和誠實歸在你的名下！
...
你們敬畏耶和華的，要倚靠耶和華！
他是你們的幫助和你們的盾牌。
耶和華向來眷念我們，
...
凡敬畏耶和華的，
無論大小，主必賜福給他。
...
天，是耶和華的天；
地，他卻給了世人。
死人不能讚美耶和華，
下到寂靜中的也都不能。
但我們要稱頌耶和華，
從今時直到永遠！

你們要讚美耶和華！

來了

各式各樣的工作排山倒海而來，為繁忙的學年展開璀璨的序幕。假期其實早已完結，今年暑假（再次）感恩能面對自己的想法和軟弱，感恩能稍微鍛鍊身體，感恩有機會跟不同朋友相聚（特別是能到家中聚會），感恩能看幾本書，也感恩能再次調整焦點。

天父的恩典依舊豐富。

A late night's prayer

I know it's late and I'm indeed rather sleepy. The bed is alluring, to say the least, and when coupled with the fact that it's Sunday service after less than eight hours, theoretically it is most appropriate I (try to) fall asleep at this very moment. Yet, I am troubled, and have been troubled, and I feel the urge to write it down. 

First of all, I must admit that I have been sinning quite often and also wasting some of my most precious time doing nothing meaningful. This has probably resulted in my lack of time and energy to spare on more important matters (as the work of the Spirit cannot fully be realised through me), such as caring about the well-being of certain people, who I have assumed could well thrive without my intervention and intercession, but were probably entrusted to me by God. I have always thought I was of no great significance to anyone and that everyone could blossom with or without my being there, but I was only half right. True enough I should minimise my own importance and lead people to God because He is the source of life, love and also growth, and that simultaneously anyone can be the medium between Jesus and men (and obviously our Lord can reveal Himself to men directly), yet my inaction itself is a bad testimony of His overwhelming love, and possibly a disappointment for those who have been expecting the proper three-dimensional Christian example. Therefore, I have not only failed God but also failed men somehow, and thus allowing more to fail God. May I be forgiven on this matter, o Lord. 

I have sometimes wondered if there are too many souls that I have been given the chance and duty to leave a trace on, and often more is duly required, however after careful thought I cannot help but realise this is according to my own wish and talent. I always thought I have loyally paid the debt owed to other fellow beings but the moment I started to go after my own glory I was at fault and meanwhile drained of all the remaining energy meant to shepherd some more sheep. For sure I have experienced exhaustion, but it was completely because of my own misdeeds and not an inappropriate estimation of my share. Yet the Lord has great mercy despite my failure, and has been saving the souls by other means and still preserving invaluable opportunities for me to take up my yoke once again. For this I am eternally grateful, and as I plead for His mercy I must remind myself not to ask for less work but more grace, and not for less responsibility but more wisdom. 

I have no doubt now that God will revive His own people no matter how painful the lessons are, despite my having had times of scepticism towards my own worth and the maturity of some others, as it all hinges on His will instead of men's abilities, because everything good, including the noble intention of men to do good, originates from the Lord. If men turn towards God themselves actively, no other men need to take part in his salvation. Let me pray earnestly about His will being done on those whom I think about now and then, with or without my involvement, and myself being willing and ready to surrender my time and effort when necessary, for how could a loving God ignore a fervent prayer?

Mission Impossible 7

已經又過了好一段時間沒有寫了，希望文筆沒有怎麼生疏吧。其實，我有想過用英文寫，因為寫英文會快一點，但我還是想訓練一下中文。

無論我是否願意承認，假期過了一大半是鐵一般的事實。如果旅行不算是休息，我也已經休息了大約十天。當然，這十天也不完全是休息，也有做運動、聽培靈會、看書、看電影、參加飯局等活動，但無論我有否足夠的休息，再過十多天就會開學了。關於休息，旅行回來的一周都在適應時差（中文好像是這樣稱呼jet lag）。我記得，兩年前也是同樣的問題，今年卻好像嚴重了一點。頭幾晚都睡不好，不能上床立刻睡著，然後早上四五點就起來了。往後情況好了點，但始終都未能一上床就入睡（現在還是凌晨一點才睡著然後九點才能起床）。一直我也很高興自己沒有睡眠的問題，不過太驕傲的確不好，現在也要感受一下失眠的人所面對的苦況。很多時候，睡得不好是因為心裏有太多掛念的事，但若然將憂慮放下，也離開安睡不遠了。我也記得，過去的一年中，有好幾個星期天晚上睡不好。簡單來說，睡了好像沒睡，進入不了deep sleep；應該是因為擔心星期一的工作。

對於九月一日，我還是有點害怕。其實，每年開學前我都會有點害怕。我會害怕要適應新的課程（好像每一年都要預備新的教材），我會害怕面對新的學生（舊的也害怕自己江郎才盡，開始變得沈悶），我也會害怕開始生病（身體每每都是開了學以後開始變差），我更會害怕做錯事說錯話（每天都有這個危險）。我心底裡很清楚，九月一日之後最近的假期是七月中的暑假，而不是聖誕節、新年、復活節等；一旦開始了就不會停下，而那些假期充其量都只是用來養病、批改作業和給機會自己深呼吸一下（再深呼吸一下就又繼續學期了）。每一年，就好像一齣Mission Impossible（這個系列如果沒看過可以看看，特別最新的那套真的不錯），開始的時候總覺得熬不過去，中途幾乎拿了我的命，而完結後回望卻不知當時是怎樣過的。這樣的循環就發生了六年，然而，每年其實都是經歷恩典的時候，因為靠己力可能未到十月就掛了。到了八月中，我又開始有點害怕。

我記得前陣子發夢，就夢見開學的第一節課。心理學理論說夢境的內容經常是反映人在日間牽掛的人和事，今次可說對了。教了這些年，我知道，很多時候，好的開始往往是成功的一半。我很想有一個好的開頭，然後不用擔心其他一切，所以趁現在得努力預備教材（新學年要教的通識要自己準備教材）。來年是新的挑戰，中三班主任加上中三英文（兩樣都是第一次），加上三班通識（也未試過），實在刺激（也有點可怕）。我不是怕天父不幫助我，而是怕自己不懂得依靠。好的開始，在神手裡。沒有天父，怎樣開始也不能帶我到終點。在此，引用從奧古斯丁的《懺悔錄》看到的一句：‘How can life be happy where there is no life at all？’畫龍點睛的一句，點明了尋找快樂的前設是尋找生命。讓我的生命能引人到基督那裡，因為祂是生命和愛的根源。

後記：暑假正在看書（買了不少，現在看了一些，還有很多），也看了電影inside out（很好看），下一篇再說吧。