Lest I change

Although I'm currently suffering from low blood pressure and some anxiety not only about the start of school but also my current physical situation, my mental and spiritual health is actually in a rather positive state.

By having my brain and body functioning at something like 50% of my optimal capacity, I have finally found (God has finally found me) a way to literally and really slow down. To be frank, I have pretended to take rests earlier on in my life but they were just sleeps, naps, entertainment, or some other forms of relaxation, but not real rest. By slowing down involuntarily, I have become better. By being able to do only one thing at a time (or even less than that), I can focus on ONLY the most important things I have to do. By getting sick, I have learnt to treasure people and relationships more than before. By being weak, I can rely on God and other people to support me. God must have been thinking: this stubborn kid finally understands his limits and learns to be more humble (forgive me God if I'm not right or if I haven't learnt anything yet). 

I am sincerely hoping to feel better and get well, but come on, sickness and death are inevitable. Even if I recover this time, eventually there will be a time I won't. I can honestly tell you this isn't the first time I ask for healing and promising not to waste any more time. Nevertheless, if I do recover, I will try my best to glorify God (otherwise why should I become better? To glorify myself again?). If you ask me whether I want to become better but stick to my old ways or remain unhealthy but become a better man, my conscience would choose the latter but still my id would prefer the former, and I know I'm still a selfish lad inside. Sure enough I do want to become better both physically and spiritually altogether and I don't want to fake it, so I am writing it down here as a reminder for myself and for you all to witness. Above all, for my health and my pledge, please have mercy on me, O Lord.